Sunday, November 7, 2010

Moments that make you take a step back and re-evaluate

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Been confused?
Been Lost?
Not understood where you are in life?
Not understood why you are, where you are?
Ever wondered why you aren't happy?
Wanted to run away?

For me, I feel all those tonight. If you care to read this, don't worry, this is not my final goodbye, I don't care much for suicide. This is just a way to release my pent up emotions. Bare with me. In this post I will answer all the questions I wrote at the beginning. Starting with: Have you ever had your heart broken?

Suprisingly enough, this has NOTHING to do with a guy. But everything to do with a much stronger bond: Family. I love my family so much it hurts, but even as I write this, and tears stream down my face, I hurt. One thing I will never understand is why people don't mesh well. I am referring to my little sister and I. Claire is here because of me, at least that's the way I see it. I asked for her as a birthday present...and BAM, nine months later, baby. I look at her is my darling little sister that I wanted and recieved. I love her like crazy, but we just do not get along, and it kills me. I do not understand it!!! I do ALL the things a good big sister should do, but it either goes unnoticed, unappreciated, or misconstrued. I'm ready to just give up. We fight, and I die a little. She yells, I die a little. She abuses (yes, the younger one is the bully) me infront of my high school, and I die a little. It's gotten so bad that I want absolutly nothing to do with her. And it breaks my heart.

An amazing thing just happened. As I was writing that and warring with myself on what to do or say, my father and Claire came into my room with an answer as to why today has been really emotinal (i'll give more info on the day later). They came to the conclusion that the devil has been trying to drive a wedge bewteen us all. They had some really good points. We are a really close-knit family, we share everything and keep nothing secret, and above everything else, we love each other. And that's hard to come by. As they were telling me this, tears welled up in my eyes; they didn't fall until Claire crawled in my lap and said, "instead of arguing, we're going to hug." I lost it. The tears fell like a dam that had broken, and I grabbed onto her for dear life. my chest shook and my body heaved. But I didn't let her go. A few minuets later, my dad and Claire both left me to think. The tears still have not stopped.

An hour ago, there was a family arguement and I was so mad and hurt that I left for a "walk", what I was really doing was trying to decide where I would go, and run away. I asked God why things happened, and why I felt the way I did. And, at the time, I didn't think I was getting an answer. Then I came home to my dad in the driveway, and talked. We only scratched the surface on what's been bothering me, but for now, it will suffice. Then I came inside to more Claire-drama. Now, you are caught up, I immediatly came to my room and began writing. This is a form of release for me.

If you have kept up with what I'm saying, then bless you!

Anyway, what I am getting at is this, God told me, through my family, that everything is ok, and not to worry, and to not give up. "Not give up"...dang...that's something that I would have never considered until a few hours ago. I wanted a response from God immeadiatly that would fix my problems. But, instead, he waited until I was back home to use my family in a very impactful way.

I will never forget this.

Ugh, my eyes and nose are running like a faucet (gross) Forgive me, but I'm not going to answer the rese of my questions because I discovered the answers and solutions by the first question. I hope that if you're reading this, and you've felt the same way about something lke this before, that you take this as a form of comfort.

If you would like to talk, I am here. Feel free to comment or email :)

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